Are You Really Being Gaslit? Let’s Break It Down
Ever had an argument where someone told you, “That’s not what happened,” and you suddenly doubted yourself? You might have thought, Am I being gaslit?
The word gaslighting has exploded in recent years, showing up in conversations about relationships, mental health, and even politics. But here’s the problem—while gaslighting is a serious form of emotional abuse, it’s often misused to describe ordinary disagreements, forgetfulness, or differing opinions. And when we water down its meaning, we risk minimizing the experiences of real survivors who have been deeply hurt by it.
So, let’s set the record straight: What is real gaslighting? How is it being misused? And why does it matter?
Gaslighting: The Truth Behind the Buzzword
Gaslighting isn’t just lying or being manipulative—it’s an intentional and systematic effort to make someone doubt their reality. This psychological abuse leaves victims feeling confused, powerless, and isolated, often questioning their own memory, perception, and sanity.
The term comes from the 1944 film Gaslight, where a husband tricks his wife into believing she’s losing her mind by secretly dimming the lights and then denying any change. Over time, she starts to believe she’s the problem. That’s what real gaslighting looks like—making someone doubt their lived experiences so much that they start relying on the abuser for reality checks.
The Science Behind Gaslighting
Psychologists have studied this form of manipulation and its damaging long-term effects:
📌 A study published in American Psychologist (Stern, 2018) found that gaslighting makes victims lose trust in their own judgment and become dependent on their manipulator.
📌 Research in The Journal of Psychological Trauma (Johnson & Colman, 2020) linked gaslighting to anxiety, depression, and even PTSD-like symptoms.
📌 Another study in Personality and Individual Differences (Douglas, Sutton, & Cichocka) showed how gaslighting creates learned helplessness, where victims feel powerless to escape.
These studies prove that gaslighting isn’t just an argument—it’s a calculated effort to break down someone’s self-trust and control their perception of reality.
Gaslighting in Action: The Tactics Manipulators Use
How do you know if someone is really gaslighting you? Look out for these red flags:
💡 Denial of Reality: “That never happened.” (Even when you remember it clearly.)
💡 Trivializing Your Feelings: “You’re too sensitive.” (Making you doubt if your emotions are valid.)
💡 Shifting Blame: “You’re the one causing problems.” (Making you feel responsible for their bad behavior.)
💡 Contradictory Statements: Saying one thing and later denying it, leaving you confused.
💡 Creating Confusion: Using misleading information or rewriting past events to make you question yourself.
If these behaviors happen frequently and intentionally, it’s gaslighting. If it’s an occasional misunderstanding, it’s likely not.
Why Misusing ‘Gaslighting’ is Harmful
While real gaslighting is toxic and dangerous, the word is increasingly misapplied in everyday situations. And that’s a problem.
🔸 Normal Disagreements Aren’t Gaslighting
Two people remembering an event differently doesn’t mean one is gaslighting the other. Memory is subjective, and different perspectives are normal.
🔸 Forgetting Something Isn’t Gaslighting
If someone forgets a conversation, it’s not gaslighting—it’s just human nature. Gaslighting involves intentional deception, not absentmindedness.
🔸 Disagreeing With Someone Isn’t Gaslighting
If a friend or partner critiques something you did, that doesn’t mean they’re gaslighting you. Healthy relationships require discussions and even conflicts.
Why Does This Misuse Matter?
When we overuse the term, we risk:
❌ Dismissing real victims: Those who have been emotionally manipulated might struggle to be taken seriously.
❌ Avoiding personal accountability: Sometimes we need to reflect on our own actions rather than assuming someone is gaslighting us.
❌ Confusing normal conflicts with abuse: Not every argument or miscommunication is manipulation.
How to Know If You’re Experiencing Real Gaslighting
If you’re unsure whether you’re being gaslit, ask yourself these questions:
✅ Do I constantly second-guess myself?
✅ Am I apologizing all the time, even when I don’t think I did anything wrong?
✅ Do I feel like I need someone else’s permission to trust my own memory?
✅ Does this happen repeatedly, or was it just a one-time misunderstanding?
If you’re answering yes to these questions, you might be dealing with real gaslighting.
And if that’s the case, you deserve support.
What to Do if You’re Being Gaslit
💬 Trust Yourself – Your feelings and memories are valid. If something feels off, don’t ignore it.
📖 Document the Manipulation – Write down instances when it happens. Keeping track can help you see patterns.
👥 Seek Outside Perspective – Talk to friends, a therapist, or someone you trust to get an objective opinion.
🚪 Set Boundaries – If someone continually gaslights you, it might be time to distance yourself.
👩⚕️ Get Professional Support – If you’re struggling with the emotional effects of gaslighting, therapy can help you rebuild self-trust and confidence.
👉 If you need help recognizing and healing from gaslighting, reach out to Scarborough Psychology Clinic—we’re here to support you.
Final Thoughts: Words Matter
Gaslighting is real, serious, and emotionally devastating—but not every disagreement, forgotten conversation, or differing opinion is gaslighting.
By using the term accurately, we validate survivors’ experiences, protect meaningful conversations about abuse, and create healthier relationships based on understanding, not misplaced labels.
If you or someone you know is struggling with emotional abuse, don’t hesitate to seek support. You deserve clarity, healing, and peace of mind. 💙
Need Support?
Take the first step today—schedule a 15-minute free consultation and start your journey toward balance and well-being.
📞 Contact Scarborough Psychology Clinic Call us at (416) 438-3800 to book your appointment. Healing begins here.
Further Readings
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Douglas, K. M., Sutton, R. M., & Cichocka, A. (2017). The psychology of conspiracy theories. Personality and Individual Differences, 121, 123–133.
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Johnson, M., & Colman, L. (2020). Long-term psychological effects of gaslighting in intimate relationships. Journal of Psychological Trauma, 12(3), 147–161.
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Stern, R. (2018). The gaslight effect: How to spot and survive the hidden manipulation others use to control your life. Harmony Books.